Who am I? How did I get here?

About three and a half years ago, I walked into a therapist's office I'd never been to before. Every week since then I've spent one hour in that office with the question in the back of my mind "Who am I?". Just a few years before, I would have never thought I'd have to ask. From the time I was born, my world revolved around my religion.

I want to be clear that - all things considered - I had a pretty good childhood. I had parents who always did what they thought was best for me, and who loved me and my siblings with their whole hearts. All of my basic needs were met and then some. I was successful in school and had a community that helped me out and supported me through difficult times. The individuals in my church community (for the most part) were also doing their best to love and support me. But also know that when I say my world revolved around my religion - I'm not trying to exaggerate or be dramatic.

Each week for my entire childhood I attended some combination of church services, Sunday school, AWANA, youth group, and other church activities. If you aren't familiar with AWANA let me give you a quick overview because this was a huge part of my upbringing. AWANA stands for Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed - an excerpt from 2 Timothy 2:15. I would describe this program as a co-ed "scouts" type of club for Christian kids. We had uniforms, earned badges and awards, participated in service projects, and met each week separated into different clubs by age group to play games and listen to Bible teachings. Badges and awards were earned primarily through scripture memorization and the completion of Bible study lessons. I didn't have to look up the reference for the namesake verse above. It has been solidly engrained in my memory for as long as I can remember.

As a child, I completed Cubbies (ages 3-4), Sparks (K-2nd grade), Truth in Training (3rd-5th grade), Trek (6th-8th grade), and Journey (9th-12th grade). I completed a handbook every year, earned all major corresponding awards, and competed in regional "Bible Quizzing" competitions. I eventually earned the highest award possible - the AWANA Citation Award. Through the course of my participation in this club I: memorized over 2000 bible verses, read the bible cover to cover, wrote summaries of each of the 66 books, participated in service projects, completed weekly bible lessons, and much more. I was always a good student in school, and this drive for achievement and thirst for understanding the world around me made me a good "student" at church too. I always wanted to learn more and get more involved. As I grew older I volunteered in Sunday school and younger AWANA clubs. Eventually, as an adult, I was a youth group leader as well.

Belief was never hard for me. If you asked me what my "spiritual gift" was I would have told you faith. Most everyone I knew in my world was a Christian, and it made sense to me. This loving God I was taught about, who loved everyone no matter what. This loving God who wanted me to be a good and caring person and to be a small part of making the world a better place. This loving God who self-sacrificed so I could have a relationship with him and go to heaven when I died. It was easy for me to believe, for many years I never doubted for a moment.

Christianity enveloped every part of my life. All of my parents' choices for what we were and were not allowed to do and how we should behave centered around their (or others') interpretation of scripture. In addition to the church activities I was involved in, nearly all music I listened to was from Christian artists. I attended vacation bible schools, various church summer camps, Christian youth conferences, etc. It probably won't surprise you that a poster (that I made) in my college dorm read "My identity lies solely in my Redeemer".

I didn't need to ask "Who am I?". Every part of myself was centered around my faith. I was a Christian. A devoted disciple of Jesus. And that informed my entire worldview and every decision I made. I was a bible-believing, evangelizing, Jesus-following, pro-life, "hate the sin love the sinner", republican, Christian. And it's all I ever wanted to be.

If I could travel through time and talk to my 18-year-old self, I think she would be genuinely heartbroken to find out who we are now. I am now an openly bisexual, weed-using, pro-choice, leftist, still spiritually minded, academic who has left behind most church programs I had been a part of. The journey to get here has come with pain, heartbreak, lost relationships, and years of wrestling with my identity and faith. And it is a journey I never would have chosen for myself.

When this journey began I was depressed, lonely, and overwhelmed by the new responsibilities and challenges of adulthood. And so I did what I had been trained to do when life is tough - I threw myself fully into prayer, scripture reading, and deepening my faith.

Despite what many may assume, this journey did not start because I wanted to be more popular or fit in with secular culture. It didn't start because I'm "gay" and wanted to "sin". When this began I wasn't even out to myself as bisexual. The idea that I might not be straight wasn't even something I had given any conscious consideration. I knew I was attracted to men, and had been raised in the belief that anything else was "sinful". So I simply dismissed (and likely repressed) anything that indicated any other attractions as "temptation".

This journey began because of a desire to deepen my belief and better understand the Bible. It began because I wanted to be the best Christian I could be. It began because my belief in God grew. It began because I was devouring scripture. It began because of that thirst to understand the world around me. And that of course could only be found in the word of God. So I dove in.